Do you have a difficult time driving with your spouse or partner?

Is your partner a back seat driver? Do they seem to drive to slow, to fast, too recklessly? Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t seem to pay attention or have a clear sense of direction and you constantly are having to direct them? Or do you get annoyed when your spouse is constantly directing, controlling and not trusting your driving ability? If so you are not alone almost every couple experiences conflicts while driving.

Driving together triggers common negative patterns within relationships and triggers all kinds of issues couples face around power/control, acknowledgement, values, capabilities, trust and our ability to rely on others.

A common scenario happens when one partner has a hard time being the passenger and relinquishing control. Being the passenger in a vehicle can leave some people feeling helpless and out of control. To try and manage those feelings they will often try and direct and control their partner’s driving and sometimes will criticize and blame them for making mistakes or else completely shut down emotionally and stare out the window. The other partner usually feels hurt and thinks that they are viewed as incompetent or inadequate and may become defensive to protect their self-esteem. This may result in a screaming match or else both people shutting down in a stony painful silence.

So how do we try and avoid this common scenario?

  1. Recognize that you are getting caught in a negative pattern and say something to unlatch yourself from the pattern. Example: “It looks like we are getting stuck in that pattern again”
  2. Take a minute to try and calm down with deep breathing or visualizing the word calm and breathing it in.
  3. Tune in to your own emotions. Ask yourself “What am I really feeling and needing right now?”
  4. Take a risk in sharing your vulnerability and asking for your needs to be met. Example: “Honey I am feeling really scared, and anxious inside and my worst thought is (owning our thinking) that we might get in an accident or maybe you aren’t paying attention to when we need to go and I need some reassurance that you are aware and focused and you have got things under control.”
  5. It is also important for the other partner to realize that you are taking a risk in being vulnerable (instead of getting angry and criticising or blaming) and they need to put their defensiveness down and try and be there for you emotionally. Example, “I hear you, I understand that you are scared, I want to reassure you that everything is going to be ok and I am focused and paying attention.”
  6. Once you have been there for your partner then you also have a chance to share your own vulnerability. Example “Honey, my worst thought is that you think I am inadequate or incompetent as a driver and I feel hurt and afraid when I think that. I need some reassurance that you think I am a good driver and you still love me even when I make mistakes”

Lastly, remember to try and be flexible and give the driver a break we ALL make mistakes on the road (especially on long trips). If you are planning on going on a long or short trip try to remember that the driver will probably make a few mistakes and being patient and accepting of that will create the best case scenario.

Happy driving,

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW

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