Have we ever really known in our society what love is? Some would say it is infatuation, lust, or chemistry, but then what happens when the infatuation fades? Is love over? Others would say love it is a long-term friendship and bond, but don’t we need some kind of attraction to want a sexual relationship? The problem with all of these ideas is that they do not help us understand love, they do not give us a road map for maneuvering through love and making our love last. Dr. Sue Johnson believes that she has discovered that road map, she has developed a “Science of Love” that can help us understand love and make it last. She has worked as a couple’s therapist for 25 years and watched hundreds of couples on video tapes over and over in order to develop this science.

What is the secret to love and making it last? A big part of that secret is realizing that as human beings we have attachment needs from the cradle to grave. In general some people in our society are aware that children have attachment needs with a parent, however it is those same attachment needs that we have as adults that really holds the key to love. Understanding that we have those needs and how to really deal with them is the key to love and making love last.

What are Adult Attachment needs? Some attachment needs are: knowing that we are important, special and number one to our partner, feeling wanted and needed, feeling loved and accepted even when we make mistakes, feeling valued and appreciated, knowing our partner cares about our feelings and needs, knowing we are safe with our partner and that they are keeping us in their hearts and in their minds, we are not alone.

Now that might sound like a tall order, and you don’t need to be thinking about these and doing them every minute of the day. Couples need to realize that every time they have a conflict (underneath the anger) one or more of these attachment needs is probably not being met (or it seems like it’s not being met). This is where couples get really stuck, they often yell at their partner and blame them for their hurt (and unmet need) and the other partner will often defend or withdraw and nobody really knows what’s really going on and how to stop the negative cycle.

Couples need to realize that we ALL have these attachment needs, and we all feel angry but underneath really scared, alone and sad when we feel like our needs aren’t being met and maybe our partner isn’t going to be there for us. But most importantly that there is a different way, we can learn how to tune in to what we are feeling, understand what attachment need feels like it is not being met, and reach out to our partners in a softer way to pull them in for comfort and reassurance.

Dr. Sue Johnson really hit the nail on the head when she said “Love doesn’t have to be a mystery anymore” we can now understand that when we fall in love with someone we are creating a primary attachment with that person with the hopes that we will be loved and cared for and that person will be there for us forever and always. That these types of hopes of dreams associated with love carry with them all our adult attachment needs. The threat of losing our love and not getting our needs met by our loved one triggers most conflict in relationships. Learning how our navigate feelings and needs to be able to reach out for reassurance and comfort from our partner is the key to maintaining love.

If you feel like you would like to learn how to better understand your adult attachment needs and learn how to communicate feelings and needs in a healthier way then give us a call at A Path of Heart Counselling Services for a 1hr free consultation.

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW
A Path of Heart Counselling Services
Marriage and Couple Specialist

The definition of shame is to believe that your core sense of self is flawed or worthless, which in turn creates feelings of self-rejection and loathing. People that feel ashamed are constantly afraid of rejection, criticism, and judgement.

People who feel shame have to hide. They don’t want anyone to see who they really are because then…they would abandon them.

In couples therapy shame hijacks the session and gets in the way of people being able to access their softer emotions and also to be able to tolerate listening to their partner’s feelings.

For instance one partner may be sharing that they are feeling so afraid and sad because they feel let down and disappointed. If the other partner has a lot of shame they will quickly go into feeling afraid of rejection (believing inside that they are unworthy of the relationship, unable to be relied on, undeserving of their partner’s love, deficient in some way or another, saying to themselves: “if they only knew about me”) and they will quickly react by getting defensive, counter attacking, and blaming to move away from their own bad feelings. The truth hurts and if you are already feeling horrible about yourself then it is very hard to tolerate hearing the person you love the most confirm that. Who wouldn’t want to move away from that feeling?

Guilt is “I’m sorry I made a mistake” Shame is “I am a mistake”

This is why it is so hard for people with shame to take accountability- they are not saying “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” They are saying “I’m so sorry that I AM a mistake, and you probably wish you never met me and you would better off with out me”

So what can we do about it? How the hell do we get around this thick fog of shame?

Well there isn’t really a way around it, just like other feelings you have to go in it and through it. The thing about shame is that it is all about hiding. It is about hiding how terrible we really think we are. Ask yourself these questions: “What is it that you see inside yourself that you would never be able to show your partner?” and “What is it like to feel so bad about yourself?” Only when we can truly feel the grief and depth of our pain about how bad it is to feel this way about yourselves can we move towards wanting to heal it.

Sue Johnson says “the partner’s acceptance is the antidote to shame.” What does this really mean? It means that if you open yourself up, share how bad you feel about yourself and all the sadness and pain about how much it hurts to feel this way, and the big fear you carry about feeling not good enough, and you look into your partner’s eyes and see that they feel so sad and sorry for how bad you feel- healing does happen- to be seen in our worst pain heals all. Then they reach out and tell you “I don’t see you that way, your not such a bad person, and yes I do love you and accept you, you can feel the relief and the reassurance that you are safe and you can rest in their arms. The person then learns that they don’t have to be alone with these terrible feelings; someone will always be there for them to pull them out of the hole and reassure them that they are ok, or they are good enough, or they are a good person, that is truly loved and accepted.

If you feel like you and your partner get stuck in these types of shame spirals that prevent you from having a closer connection where you are able to really be accessible and responsive to each other emotionally then give us a call at A Path of Heart Counselling Services.

A Path of Heart –Your Road Map to Intimacy

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW
Marriage and Couple Specialist

Also see below Brene Brown’s newest talk on Shame

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Some of the information for this article was borrowed from Yolanda Von Hockauf, Core Skills and Beyond March 2012.

Is your partner a back seat driver? Do they seem to drive to slow, to fast, too recklessly? Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t seem to pay attention or have a clear sense of direction and you constantly are having to direct them? Or do you get annoyed when your spouse is constantly directing, controlling and not trusting your driving ability? If so you are not alone almost every couple experiences conflicts while driving.

Driving together triggers common negative patterns within relationships and triggers all kinds of issues couples face around power/control, acknowledgement, values, capabilities, trust and our ability to rely on others.

A common scenario happens when one partner has a hard time being the passenger and relinquishing control. Being the passenger in a vehicle can leave some people feeling helpless and out of control. To try and manage those feelings they will often try and direct and control their partner’s driving and sometimes will criticize and blame them for making mistakes or else completely shut down emotionally and stare out the window. The other partner usually feels hurt and thinks that they are viewed as incompetent or inadequate and may become defensive to protect their self-esteem. This may result in a screaming match or else both people shutting down in a stony painful silence.

So how do we try and avoid this common scenario?

1. Recognize that you are getting caught in a negative pattern and say something to unlatch yourself from the pattern. Example: “It looks like we are getting stuck in that pattern again”
2. Take a minute to try and calm down with deep breathing or visualizing the word calm and breathing it in.
3. Tune in to your own emotions. Ask yourself “What am I really feeling and needing right now?”
4. Take a risk in sharing your vulnerability and asking for your needs to be met. Example: “Honey I am feeling really scared, and anxious inside and my worst thought is (owning our thinking) that we might get in an accident or maybe you aren’t paying attention to when we need to go and I need some reassurance that you are aware and focused and you have got things under control.”
5. It is also important for the other partner to realize that you are taking a risk in being vulnerable (instead of getting angry and criticising or blaming) and they need to put their defensiveness down and try and be there for you emotionally. Example, “I hear you, I understand that you are scared, I want to reassure you that everything is going to be ok and I am focused and paying attention.”
6. Once you have been there for your partner then you also have a chance to share your own vulnerability. Example “Honey, my worst thought is that you think I am inadequate or incompetent as a driver and I feel hurt and afraid when I think that. I need some reassurance that you think I am a good driver and you still love me even when I make mistakes”

Lastly, remember to try and be flexible and give the driver a break we ALL make mistakes on the road (especially on long trips). If you are planning on going on a long or short trip try to remember that the driver will probably make a few mistakes and being patient and accepting of that will create the best case scenario.

Happy driving,

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW

I ask all the couples I work with this very question during the assessment process. Sadly, for a lot of people the answer is “no.” This is in part largely due to the type of emotional attachment that they had with their parents. If their parents were emotionally and physically available for them when they were in need (example if they: fell down on the playground, were hurt by a sibling, were teased at school, had a fight with a friend, or were dumped by a girl/boyfriend) and we able to offer them comfort and acceptance (“it makes sense that you are hurt, afraid or sad”) then they most likely would be able to be vulnerable in adult relationships. If you had parents like this then you probably learned two very important things:

1. My feelings are valid, understandable, and they matter.

2. Someone will always be there for me to comfort me when I am vulnerable.

Unfortunately most people were lucky if they were able to have one parent that was nurturing and supportive. Plus our whole society works to socialize boys and men through the “Boy Code” that their vulnerable feelings are shameful and weak. So how does this impact us as adults in intimate relationships? Well if it’s not ok for us to feel afraid, sad, or hurt then we usually do one of two things:

1. Shut down our feelings, numb out, withdraw and keep them to ourselves
2. Get angry and attack our partners when we feel hurt or afraid (it’s easier to be angry then it is to be vulnerable)

Regrettably when we use these strategies we don’t usually get a loving compassionate response filled with the reassurance and comfort we need. We usually get either no response (because were not sharing) or a very defensive attacking response as our partner’s fight to defend themselves.

Fortunately there is a solution. We need to learn how to embrace our vulnerability. We need to learn how to stop for a minute, tune into what we are feeling, reach out from a place of vulnerability, believe and trust that are feelings are valid and that our partner will be there for us, allow ourselves to be comforted and reassured by our partners, and rest in their arms.

At a Path of Heart Counselling Services we can help you get out of negative communication patterns and find your way to embracing and sharing your vulnerability. We offer couples counselling as well as an Eight Week Group for Couples that will be starting Feb 21st. For more information please see our website at http://www.apathofheart.com/groups_and_workshops.php

Please also check out this great link which shows you a 20 min video all about vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Are you feeling alone in your relationship? Do you seem to be the one that carries the biggest load of the responsibility? Do you ever feel like you can’t rely on or count on your partner?

If so you are not alone, many of the couples that we work with have the same complaints. They feel like they have become the “manger” of the household chores and the relationship. Many times one partner (may be female or male) will say “I have to do EVERYTHING!’ This is not a fun role for anyone to be in as we all want to feel like we are equals with our partners and that they care enough to take care of us too.

What most couples don’t understand or see if that usually there is a pattern of conflict that is happening underneath all of this. 80% of couples end up stuck in a pattern where one partner is pursuing with criticism, questioning and blame and the other partner is shutting down and withdrawing. As the withdrawer moves away and distances from the pursuer the pursuer feels more and more alone in the relationship and unwanted. Sometimes the more withdrawn partner starts to internalize the criticism and start to doubt themselves believing that they are not good enough or failing. This impacts them to move away from the pursuer and try and protect themselves, and they may also give up on trying to do things for the relationship or around the house because they are tired of getting it wrong. Thus, the pursuing partner ends up feeling alone, abandoned with the responsibility of the relationship and the household chores and ends up criticizing and demanding more to try and get their needs met.

Fortunately there is a solution! The pursue-withdraw pattern is the most common pattern and also the easiest one to change. We can help you find the way back into having a happy healthy secure connection and to break out of this pattern that causes so much distance and hurt. We are offering an upcoming Eight Week Group for Couples based on the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Or if you prefer more confidentiality we also specialize in couples counselling. For more information about the group or counselling visit our website at http://www.apathofheart.com/groups_and_workshops.php