The definition of shame is to believe that your core sense of self is flawed or worthless, which in turn creates feelings of self-rejection and loathing. People that feel ashamed are constantly afraid of rejection, criticism, and judgement.

People who feel shame have to hide. They don’t want anyone to see who they really are because then…they would abandon them.

In couples therapy shame hijacks the session and gets in the way of people being able to access their softer emotions and also to be able to tolerate listening to their partner’s feelings.

For instance one partner may be sharing that they are feeling so afraid and sad because they feel let down and disappointed. If the other partner has a lot of shame they will quickly go into feeling afraid of rejection (believing inside that they are unworthy of the relationship, unable to be relied on, undeserving of their partner’s love, deficient in some way or another, saying to themselves: “if they only knew about me”) and they will quickly react by getting defensive, counter attacking, and blaming to move away from their own bad feelings. The truth hurts and if you are already feeling horrible about yourself then it is very hard to tolerate hearing the person you love the most confirm that. Who wouldn’t want to move away from that feeling?

Guilt is “I’m sorry I made a mistake” Shame is “I am a mistake”

This is why it is so hard for people with shame to take accountability- they are not saying “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” They are saying “I’m so sorry that I AM a mistake, and you probably wish you never met me and you would better off with out me”

So what can we do about it? How the hell do we get around this thick fog of shame?

Well there isn’t really a way around it, just like other feelings you have to go in it and through it. The thing about shame is that it is all about hiding. It is about hiding how terrible we really think we are. Ask yourself these questions: “What is it that you see inside yourself that you would never be able to show your partner?” and “What is it like to feel so bad about yourself?” Only when we can truly feel the grief and depth of our pain about how bad it is to feel this way about yourselves can we move towards wanting to heal it.

Sue Johnson says “the partner’s acceptance is the antidote to shame.” What does this really mean? It means that if you open yourself up, share how bad you feel about yourself and all the sadness and pain about how much it hurts to feel this way, and the big fear you carry about feeling not good enough, and you look into your partner’s eyes and see that they feel so sad and sorry for how bad you feel- healing does happen- to be seen in our worst pain heals all. Then they reach out and tell you “I don’t see you that way, your not such a bad person, and yes I do love you and accept you, you can feel the relief and the reassurance that you are safe and you can rest in their arms. The person then learns that they don’t have to be alone with these terrible feelings; someone will always be there for them to pull them out of the hole and reassure them that they are ok, or they are good enough, or they are a good person, that is truly loved and accepted.

If you feel like you and your partner get stuck in these types of shame spirals that prevent you from having a closer connection where you are able to really be accessible and responsive to each other emotionally then give us a call at A Path of Heart Counselling Services.

A Path of Heart –Your Road Map to Intimacy

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW
Marriage and Couple Specialist

Also see below Brene Brown’s newest talk on Shame

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Some of the information for this article was borrowed from Yolanda Von Hockauf, Core Skills and Beyond March 2012.

Is your partner a back seat driver? Do they seem to drive to slow, to fast, too recklessly? Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t seem to pay attention or have a clear sense of direction and you constantly are having to direct them? Or do you get annoyed when your spouse is constantly directing, controlling and not trusting your driving ability? If so you are not alone almost every couple experiences conflicts while driving.

Driving together triggers common negative patterns within relationships and triggers all kinds of issues couples face around power/control, acknowledgement, values, capabilities, trust and our ability to rely on others.

A common scenario happens when one partner has a hard time being the passenger and relinquishing control. Being the passenger in a vehicle can leave some people feeling helpless and out of control. To try and manage those feelings they will often try and direct and control their partner’s driving and sometimes will criticize and blame them for making mistakes or else completely shut down emotionally and stare out the window. The other partner usually feels hurt and thinks that they are viewed as incompetent or inadequate and may become defensive to protect their self-esteem. This may result in a screaming match or else both people shutting down in a stony painful silence.

So how do we try and avoid this common scenario?

1. Recognize that you are getting caught in a negative pattern and say something to unlatch yourself from the pattern. Example: “It looks like we are getting stuck in that pattern again”
2. Take a minute to try and calm down with deep breathing or visualizing the word calm and breathing it in.
3. Tune in to your own emotions. Ask yourself “What am I really feeling and needing right now?”
4. Take a risk in sharing your vulnerability and asking for your needs to be met. Example: “Honey I am feeling really scared, and anxious inside and my worst thought is (owning our thinking) that we might get in an accident or maybe you aren’t paying attention to when we need to go and I need some reassurance that you are aware and focused and you have got things under control.”
5. It is also important for the other partner to realize that you are taking a risk in being vulnerable (instead of getting angry and criticising or blaming) and they need to put their defensiveness down and try and be there for you emotionally. Example, “I hear you, I understand that you are scared, I want to reassure you that everything is going to be ok and I am focused and paying attention.”
6. Once you have been there for your partner then you also have a chance to share your own vulnerability. Example “Honey, my worst thought is that you think I am inadequate or incompetent as a driver and I feel hurt and afraid when I think that. I need some reassurance that you think I am a good driver and you still love me even when I make mistakes”

Lastly, remember to try and be flexible and give the driver a break we ALL make mistakes on the road (especially on long trips). If you are planning on going on a long or short trip try to remember that the driver will probably make a few mistakes and being patient and accepting of that will create the best case scenario.

Happy driving,

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW

I ask all the couples I work with this very question during the assessment process. Sadly, for a lot of people the answer is “no.” This is in part largely due to the type of emotional attachment that they had with their parents. If their parents were emotionally and physically available for them when they were in need (example if they: fell down on the playground, were hurt by a sibling, were teased at school, had a fight with a friend, or were dumped by a girl/boyfriend) and we able to offer them comfort and acceptance (“it makes sense that you are hurt, afraid or sad”) then they most likely would be able to be vulnerable in adult relationships. If you had parents like this then you probably learned two very important things:

1. My feelings are valid, understandable, and they matter.

2. Someone will always be there for me to comfort me when I am vulnerable.

Unfortunately most people were lucky if they were able to have one parent that was nurturing and supportive. Plus our whole society works to socialize boys and men through the “Boy Code” that their vulnerable feelings are shameful and weak. So how does this impact us as adults in intimate relationships? Well if it’s not ok for us to feel afraid, sad, or hurt then we usually do one of two things:

1. Shut down our feelings, numb out, withdraw and keep them to ourselves
2. Get angry and attack our partners when we feel hurt or afraid (it’s easier to be angry then it is to be vulnerable)

Regrettably when we use these strategies we don’t usually get a loving compassionate response filled with the reassurance and comfort we need. We usually get either no response (because were not sharing) or a very defensive attacking response as our partner’s fight to defend themselves.

Fortunately there is a solution. We need to learn how to embrace our vulnerability. We need to learn how to stop for a minute, tune into what we are feeling, reach out from a place of vulnerability, believe and trust that are feelings are valid and that our partner will be there for us, allow ourselves to be comforted and reassured by our partners, and rest in their arms.

At a Path of Heart Counselling Services we can help you get out of negative communication patterns and find your way to embracing and sharing your vulnerability. We offer couples counselling as well as an Eight Week Group for Couples that will be starting Feb 21st. For more information please see our website at http://www.apathofheart.com/groups_and_workshops.php

Please also check out this great link which shows you a 20 min video all about vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Are you feeling alone in your relationship? Do you seem to be the one that carries the biggest load of the responsibility? Do you ever feel like you can’t rely on or count on your partner?

If so you are not alone, many of the couples that we work with have the same complaints. They feel like they have become the “manger” of the household chores and the relationship. Many times one partner (may be female or male) will say “I have to do EVERYTHING!’ This is not a fun role for anyone to be in as we all want to feel like we are equals with our partners and that they care enough to take care of us too.

What most couples don’t understand or see if that usually there is a pattern of conflict that is happening underneath all of this. 80% of couples end up stuck in a pattern where one partner is pursuing with criticism, questioning and blame and the other partner is shutting down and withdrawing. As the withdrawer moves away and distances from the pursuer the pursuer feels more and more alone in the relationship and unwanted. Sometimes the more withdrawn partner starts to internalize the criticism and start to doubt themselves believing that they are not good enough or failing. This impacts them to move away from the pursuer and try and protect themselves, and they may also give up on trying to do things for the relationship or around the house because they are tired of getting it wrong. Thus, the pursuing partner ends up feeling alone, abandoned with the responsibility of the relationship and the household chores and ends up criticizing and demanding more to try and get their needs met.

Fortunately there is a solution! The pursue-withdraw pattern is the most common pattern and also the easiest one to change. We can help you find the way back into having a happy healthy secure connection and to break out of this pattern that causes so much distance and hurt. We are offering an upcoming Eight Week Group for Couples based on the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Or if you prefer more confidentiality we also specialize in couples counselling. For more information about the group or counselling visit our website at http://www.apathofheart.com/groups_and_workshops.php

Many people are left wondering why they seem so detached from their feelings. Or why they can’t seem to make a relationship work. The blind truth is that a large percentage of our society has been raised with parents that were completely unaware of what children’s attachment needs are and why they are so important. Research now shows that our attachment needs are essential in childhood to build healthy self-esteem and when there are not met people often struggle with having long-term relationships.

Most people don’t realize that a lot of their conflicts within relationships are directly related to unmet attachment needs. One partner is often complaining about chores saying “Didn’t you see the list I put on the fridge?” “I ASKED YOU YESTERDAY to take out the trash what happened?” Meanwhile the other partner is feeling defensive and that nothing they do is ever good enough. What couples don’t realize is that it’s never really about the chores. It’s really about attachment needs and not knowing what they are and how to ask for them. Attachment needs to feel important to our partners, to feel special, to know we can count on them or rely on them, to know that no matter what we are number one with them and that they will always be there for us. You partner may be criticizing you about the chores but underneath that they are feeling very afraid and they are really saying “Are you there for me?” ‘Can I count on you?” “Do I matter to you?”

Many people come from homes where little to none of their attachment needs are met and this has a big impact on them. Little children need to be able to go to their parents for comfort and nurturing; they need to feel special, to be cherished by them; they needed to believe that they would always be there for them no matter what. They needed to believe that they really mattered to them. That spending time with them was important, that they were important to them.

So what happens when these needs aren’t met? Children need to maintain their relationship and connection with their parents for survival. So when their needs aren’t met they sometimes blame themselves (they can’t blame the parent because they need to believe in them). They may say to themselves, “there must be something really wrong with me that my mommy or my daddy doesn’t want to spend time with me; I must be really bad.” As adults they carry around these deep negative core beliefs that say “I’m unworthy,” or “I don’t deserve for others to care about my needs or feelings- they are not really important,” or “I am unlovable- no one could really love me.”

Some people will blame others and have a hard time ever trusting people. They say “you can’t really count on others to be there for you.” Others are untrustworthy, undependable, unresponsive and inaccessible. They try and deal with everything on their own; and have huge problems relying on or trusting in other people.

How does this play out in adult relationships? What most couples don’t understand is that If you did not get your childhood attachment needs met then those attachment needs will be even bigger as an adult. If you didn’t get your childhood attachment needs met then you come in to adult relationship with this BIG yearning to have those needs met.

Now this wouldn’t be that big of a problem except for the fact that most people don’t even realize that they have these needs. They weren’t met in childhood so maybe they don’t exist?- Wrong! We all have adult attachment needs to be special, important, valued, to matter to the people we love the most, to believe that we can count on others to be there for us, to be #1 to our partners. These unmet attachment needs are underlying a lot the conflict in your relationship. Your partner has deep hurts because of these deep yearnings. So when they are not met AGAIN it hurts even more.

For example, one partner comes home and they walk in the door and nobody says hello, or “hi honey” or comes to the door to greet them and give them a hug or a kiss or to show them they are happy to see them. Now some people that would have walked through the door would understand that they have a need for acknowledgement and they may go and find their partner and give them a kiss or a hug. For someone who has been neglected and did not have their attachment needs met they might walk through the door and feel ignored, feel hurt and think that they don’t really matter, that they are not important to their partner. However they might not be aware of this so instead of expressing those feelings and needs out comes criticism and questioning, “Did you take out the trash like I asked you to?” “You haven’t started dinner yet?” And inside they are thinking “I have to do everything myself!” and feeling that deep sadness, hurt, and loneliness that comes from believing that “they will always be on their own, no one will EVER be able to be there for them.”

The good news is that couples can come to understand what their adult attachment needs are and learn how to ask for them directly. “Honey when I come home and you don’t respond to my call I feel afraid that I don’t matter to you at all. I sure wish you would come to the door and greet me and say hello and give me a kiss and a hug because it makes me feel important and special to you, like you are happy to see me and want to spend time with me.” As adults it is never too late to learn how to slow down enough to really listen to what are feelings are, accept our attachment needs, and learn how to reach for and lean on our partners. It is all ok… your partner can learn how to be there for you when you need them the most.